Jokes.

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F111
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Jokes.

Post by F111 » Wed Apr 20, 2016 7:08 pm

Position Open:

Gynaecologist's Assistant

A retired man went into Centrelink in Melbourne and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have
to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Ceduna, South Australia."

"Good grief", the man asked, "Is that where the job is?"

"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."

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j-mac31
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Re: Jokes.

Post by j-mac31 » Wed Apr 20, 2016 9:25 pm

:lol:
Aaron Francis is the Messiah.

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F111
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FootySafe

Post by F111 » Sat Apr 23, 2016 10:49 am


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F111
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Re: Jokes.

Post by F111 » Wed May 04, 2016 5:29 pm

So, I was sitting in a bar and two very large women with accents were sitting across from me.

I said: "Cool accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them yelled: "It's Wales you idiot."

So, I said: "Okay, are you two whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much after that....

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BenDoolan
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Re: Jokes.

Post by BenDoolan » Wed May 04, 2016 6:01 pm

F111 wrote: So, I was sitting in a bar and two very large women with accents were sitting across from me.

I said: "Cool accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them yelled: "It's Wales you idiot."

So, I said: "Okay, are you two whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much after that....
Hahaha =D> :lol:
Unfortunately, you can't drown a witch!

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j-mac31
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Re: Jokes.

Post by j-mac31 » Wed May 04, 2016 8:37 pm

F111 wrote: So, I was sitting in a bar and two very large women with accents were sitting across from me.

I said: "Cool accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them yelled: "It's Wales you idiot."

So, I said: "Okay, are you two whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much after that....
:lol: :lol:
Aaron Francis is the Messiah.

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F111
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Re: Jokes.

Post by F111 » Mon May 30, 2016 6:41 pm

Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

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rockhole
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Re: Jokes.

Post by rockhole » Mon May 30, 2016 10:33 pm

Keep 'em coming!!!


Priceless.
Too far for Baker now he's on to it, now he’s got it, OPEN GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Dons are in front by one point at the 8 minute mark

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rockhole
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Re: Jokes.

Post by rockhole » Mon May 30, 2016 10:34 pm

Keep 'em coming!!!


Priceless.
Too far for Baker now he's on to it, now he’s got it, OPEN GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Dons are in front by one point at the 8 minute mark

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Re: Jokes.

Post by Flip » Sun Jun 05, 2016 1:46 pm

Arriving home, a husband was met by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "The Chemist. He insulted me this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
The husband drove down to confront the Chemist to demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said "Now, just a minute...Mate, hear my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late. Without breakfast I hurried out to the car to realise I'd locked the house with house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.. "Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. About three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I started waiting on these people, all the time the damn phone never stopped ringing. Then I had to break open a bag of one and two dollar coins against the cash register drawer to give change and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the dollar coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up. And I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me, mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

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Re: Jokes.

Post by Flip » Sun Jun 05, 2016 3:51 pm

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

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F111
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Re: Jokes.

Post by F111 » Thu Jun 09, 2016 1:09 pm

Monica Lewinsky released the following statement on Hillary Clinton’s run for President:
Monica wrote:I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to November of this election year, citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to me. And I simply blew it.

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rockhole
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Re: Jokes.

Post by rockhole » Thu Jun 09, 2016 3:01 pm

F111 wrote:Monica Lewinsky released the following statement on Hillary Clinton’s run for President:
Monica wrote:I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to November of this election year, citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to me. And I simply blew it.
It was just a matter of time......!!!
Too far for Baker now he's on to it, now he’s got it, OPEN GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Dons are in front by one point at the 8 minute mark

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F111
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Re: Jokes.

Post by F111 » Thu Jun 16, 2016 6:26 pm

''That woman actor, Reece something was stabbed.''

''Witherspoon ?''
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

''No, a knife.''

mdso
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Re: Jokes.

Post by mdso » Tue Jun 21, 2016 2:52 pm

F111 wrote:Position Open:

Gynaecologist's Assistant

A retired man went into Centrelink in Melbourne and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have
to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Ceduna, South Australia."

"Good grief", the man asked, "Is that where the job is?"

"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."

Now that is a beauty. Thank for bringing a smile to my day.
Nothing usually happens until something happens.

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Re: Jokes.

Post by mdso » Tue Jun 21, 2016 3:00 pm

rockhole wrote:
F111 wrote:Monica Lewinsky released the following statement on Hillary Clinton’s run for President:
Monica wrote:I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to November of this election year, citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to me. And I simply blew it.
It was just a matter of time......!!!
Please, I almost pulled my stomach muscles laughing. That is so funny.
Nothing usually happens until something happens.

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F111
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Re: Jokes.

Post by F111 » Sun Aug 14, 2016 10:20 pm

Apparently, Bills favorite instrument is the ahmonica? I thought he played sax.

Crazyman
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Crazyman » Sat Nov 12, 2016 2:11 pm

The Australian men's cricket team

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F111
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Re: Jokes.

Post by F111 » Tue Nov 15, 2016 7:38 pm


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F111
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When yer over 70 jokes.

Post by F111 » Wed Nov 16, 2016 7:55 pm

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my
behind and said, "You're kind'a cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but, when you're over seventy...............who cares?


Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you're over seventy...............who cares?



I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and
got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
Cost me a fat lip, but... When you're over seventy...............who cares?


I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... When you're over seventy...............who cares?



I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Cost me a bloody nose, but... When you're over seventy...............who cares?


I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When you're over seventy...............who cares?

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