Jokes.

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F111
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Re: Jokes.

Post by F111 » Wed Nov 16, 2016 11:01 pm

The good news and the bad news.

Whilst in China, an American man was very sexually promiscuous and used no protection the entire time he was there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his willy covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.” The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your willy.” The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!” The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his willy and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my willy!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American doctah, always want opalate. Make more money dat way.... No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims. “OK,” says the Chinese doctor.
.
.
.
.
.


“Wait two week... Faw off by itself.”

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F111
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Re: Jokes.

Post by F111 » Wed Nov 16, 2016 11:07 pm

I asked a New Zealander friend of mine how many sexual partners he’d had.

He started counting but he fell asleep.

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F111
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Re: Jokes.

Post by F111 » Wed Nov 16, 2016 11:08 pm

Definition of optimistic:
An Australian batsman putting on sunblock!

mdso
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Re: Jokes.

Post by mdso » Sat Nov 19, 2016 4:45 pm

Crazyman wrote:The Australian men's cricket team
You are so cruel.
Nothing usually happens until something happens.

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Re: Jokes.

Post by mdso » Sat Nov 19, 2016 4:48 pm

F111 wrote:The good news and the bad news.

Whilst in China, an American man was very sexually promiscuous and used no protection the entire time he was there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his willy covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.” The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your willy.” The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!” The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his willy and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my willy!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American doctah, always want opalate. Make more money dat way.... No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims. “OK,” says the Chinese doctor.
.
.
.
.
.


“Wait two week... Faw off by itself.”
You sir, are responsible for me almost pulling a muscle. Funny, funny, funny.
Nothing usually happens until something happens.

Crazyman
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Crazyman » Sat Nov 19, 2016 7:07 pm

mdso wrote:
Crazyman wrote:The Australian men's cricket team
You are so cruel.
The truth often hurts the most :lol:

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Re: Jokes.

Post by Crazyman » Sat Nov 19, 2016 7:08 pm

F111 wrote:Definition of optimistic:
An Australian batsman putting on sunblock!
More like putting pads on... :roll: :lol:

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F111
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Re: Jokes.

Post by F111 » Wed Dec 21, 2016 3:46 pm

MARKETING...the buzz word in today's business world.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

Well, here it is:


* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in
bed."

That's Direct Marketing.
____________________________
* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome
guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you,
says, "She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.
______________________________

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and
say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.
______________________________

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May
I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.
______________________________

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in
bed."

That's Brand Recognition.
______________________________

*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your
friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
______________________________

* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
______________________________

* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses
you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top
of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Facebook.
______________________________

* You are at a party; this semi-attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass.

That's Donald Trump.
______________________________

* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded
a settlement.

That's America!

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F111
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Re: Jokes.

Post by F111 » Wed Apr 19, 2017 10:46 pm

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round
of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde
woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of
golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she
could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a
topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to
smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do
anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I
enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach
me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her
ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the
middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape "That was beautiful," he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and
I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde
took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."
The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy
seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then
tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck
out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of
the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the
guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and
had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all
for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or
how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to
break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him
back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch
in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest
of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green,
carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6
inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little
hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb.
"Don't listen to the kid, darling', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to
the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the
cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked
it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"


REMEMBER . . . OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME.

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rockhole
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Re: Jokes.

Post by rockhole » Thu Apr 20, 2017 12:16 pm

BEAUTIFUL!!!

As an obsessed aging golfer, I loved it.
Too far for Baker now he's on to it, now he’s got it, OPEN GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Dons are in front by one point at the 8 minute mark

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F111
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Re: Jokes.

Post by F111 » Tue Apr 25, 2017 11:40 pm

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch” he said. “How much will you charge me?” Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize our porch goes ALL the way around the house?” “That’s abit cynical, isn’t it?” he responded. The wife replied, “You’re right, guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.”
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already??” the startled husband asked. “Yes,” the blonde replied,”and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
“Thank you,” the blonde said, “And, by the way, it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus. ”

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Gimps
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Re: Jokes.

Post by Gimps » Tue Apr 25, 2017 11:46 pm

Collingwood.

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F111
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Re: Jokes.

Post by F111 » Fri Apr 28, 2017 10:37 pm

Image

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F111
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If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

Post by F111 » Thu May 04, 2017 10:51 am

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;
and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

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F111
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actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world...

Post by F111 » Fri May 04, 2018 4:17 pm

...apparently..

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my f****** clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)

Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)


Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987)

There must be some good examples from AFL..Jack Dyer, Tony Shaw etc...

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